space

i was talking to a woman recently about what she does. and she was speaking about how she has chosen to do what she does in an intentionally woman-run way. she has chosen to work alongside another woman and they have chosen be explicit that what they are doing has to do with the undoing of their internalized sexism.

she said about their work that they have decided to not work at the limit of their ability. they are not interested in finding the line that is their maximum output except to be sure that they are much below it. they have decided not to do everything that they could.

“and so” she said “we’re going to see what comes out of the space we’re allowing for”.

this has sat well with me. it is a breath before i eat. it is the light splayed across my wood walls in the morning. it is not trying to do everything i can. even though i’m excited by all the permutations, it’s about looking inside myself to decide the next movement rather than thinking about every possible way i could do everything all the time.

i think i have probably let people down. i still struggle with guilt. i freak out and bolt for maximization at least once a day.

but i’m trying to give my life wiggle room. just barely.

a buffer of breath.

it reminds me of this thought i used to have while traveling. visually it looked like hands opening. unclasping themselves.

basically this thought would say, “how can already full hands receive?”