i think i’m a pretty sexualized person. of course, it’s all relative so i’m speaking relationally, comparing myself to the network of people i reside in. in the dressing room, i felt prude. so, of course, it’s all relative.
i could wind down the little list of Semi-Kinky Things I’ve Done but that feels weird. suffice it to say, i’ve done some stuff. and it turned me on. and relationally speaking i still think i think in a more sexualized way. it’s not even really about what i’ve done – it’s more about what i think about what i’ve done. and what other people do.
and it made me sad because i felt this inherent tension between sexy feelings and love feelings. it’s sort of only in winter that the same ideas and people that turn me on are the same ones i could imagine loving for a long time. in winter, i seek to be understood. but in spring, give me nipple clamps and strangers. i might be exaggerating. winter moods surface throughout the year and spring moods sometimes melt snow, too. i ebb and flow faster than the seasons.
so sex. the great sex question.
when i’m in the winter mood, i only want to fuck people i love, who will love me back. i usually wait a long while to make sure that the person i’m about to love will love me back. and i usually find out they wont or that i wont love them either and we pass on by each other having only exchanged blow jobs and dry humping. or we have sex and then i leave them for spring. which also feels sad.
in spring moods, i trust very few of the people who turn me on. and it’s hard for me to fuck on distrust.
plus. i believe in std’s. i know a lot of the world has thrown up their hands and said fuck it. or think that love, trust, or some feat of will can protect them from herpes, human papilloma virus, chlymadia, gonnorhea, hepatitus, or human immunodeficiency virus. but i still believe in them as real. i got one once, so i know. it’s gone now but i decided quite a few years ago to honor risk to my body over quick and dirty sex. since then i’ve had an std sex talk with everyone i’ve slept with. and it takes a minute to get to that point. so the one week wonders and i usually stick to hand jobs and finger fucking.
and then there is the tease. i’ve found that some of the most turned on moments of my life are held within the months of fooling around before actually having sex. i’m not teasing them as much as myself since most of my partners are pitiful at accessing the life force of teasing. and it is a life force. the whole process of not-sex requires creativity and discussion that inadvertently runs me and my partners through the compatibility ringer. so that by the time we actually do have sex, it’s the good kind.
but with all that said, i haven’t had sex in a long time. and i’m starting to think about getting some. and throwing up my hands at the aforementioned patterns.
my friend was sleeping in my bed the other day. we were discussing kissing. and whether we should. he told me that my thoughts about my winter time libido were a big astrological excuse and that i wasn’t being present in our relationship. which can only be what it is when it is which is limited. he was right. because i was thinking about marrying him and shit and not being at all present in what we actually are. just because i’m feelin’ all soul matey and hot-chocolate-drinking-while-listening-to-the-rain-drops-for-the-rest-of-our-lives. which is not even what i believe intellectually. most the time, i’m happy just being with my partner and allowing for freedom and love, together.
but hey, i know i’m a product of society’s bedtime stories where soul mates and saviors exist for longer than a night time. so sometimes i get cinderellay. and jealous. and lonesome. and other things like that.
we did kiss. and then decided not to do it again. and he was going to lie to another girl who loves him about our kissing (and touching). which normally would make me ragefully mad. but then i was like who am i to say anything about honesty? fuck, he’s just protecting his life with me. which is really really far away from her. and really limited.
if he and her were more committed i wouldn’t be so glib. really i wouldn’t. i do have morals, somewhere.
i was sorta sad for awhile about him. i might still be. so later, after he left, i came thinking about him with her and that made me feel a lot better. when i’m feeling really calm and balanced, i can disassociate with my personal grievances and get big picture enough to celebrate connection, even when it’s not personally mine. so thinking about him grabbing her ass the way he grabbed mine was ………… good.
anyways. back to sex. (funny how it always leads to morals and philosophizing).
i think the stripping thing might work like scratching the kinky sex itch without actually having it. and it’s std free. and full of other fun party favors too, like learning and connecting. there’s also the not fun favors too. like gross people and giving, giving, giving. but anyways, since stripping, i’ve been feeling less the desire to fuck strangers and be called a slut and more the desire for comfort and warmth and understanding and eye contact.
how does a stripper love?
ha ha ha ha ha. such a stupid question. just like anybody else. complicated and simple at the exact same time.
maybe the better question would be: who will love me as both stripper and comfort lover?
nah, that’s not it, either.
this post has completely devolved into free association writing. it’s practically a crime that i’m publishing such meandering and blatherings.
but when it comes to love and sex and kink, my brain gets tangled. and the writing reflects.