very few lovers have made it through a winter with me. that’s a signifier of my age. i’m not still so young that i don’t know the seasons of my desire. winter is often a lone hibernation. last year this time, i transitioned a couple lovers to friends. the year before i did it to one.
yesterday night i was lying in bed flipping through my imagined rolodex of sex material trying to find the flavor of the night. but they all felt lusterless. i lied there absent minded, half asleep. until i heard the rain. it felt like it was falling on my whole body waking up each follicle. getting stronger. louder. pounding on my inner thighs. and closer. it was easy.
i remember a couple years back getting off to snow. how its silence made me breathless.
this morning the first thing i saw was color. i had dreamt the man i’ve been seeing had hurt me.
i did my day.
then i went to dinner to break up with him. he told me we drifted apart because of that ridiculous trip i went on where i never knew where i was going.
in spring probably. when all the flowers are opening up. and the stomata are working overtime, opening and closing and opening and closing their cellular lips. and the root tips are probing. and the pollen is getting stuck on the sticky bits. it’ll be another story, then. probably. i can’t barely imagine it now. but i know it’s happened before.
stomata are tiny structures on the skin of leaves that regulate the exchange of carbon dioxide, oxygen and water vapor
in greek, the word stomata means "mouth" because they enable communication between the internal and external environment of the plant
January 17, 2010 at 8:21 pm |
Just finished reading the rest of your blog and I’ve got a couple of comments about some of your posts (since you gave me leave to make them!).
-This post was timely and pertinent. Your writing has changed as the winter has set it. It’s more introspective, with a little bit less of the entertaining sass with which you described your stripping experiences earlier. I don’t think I would have noticed had I not started at the beginning and read through all in the same day. Your writing is still amazing, but has a different flavor to it now. Different tastes are good.
- I don’t think you can love calmly. Love, in its purest form, is the antithesis of calm. Its that running headlong down a hill so fast you know you’re going to faceplant into the dirt but you run faster anyway type of feeling. Until you are on the edge of losing control, it’s not even close to love. Losing control is frightening, and most of the time you lose it and you get burned. But everyone once in awhile you lose control and you find, despite everything else, that you LIKE it (maybe that’s the most scary part of all). Those moments make life the wonderful rollercoaster ride it is.
- You should write about the other events in your life. They are a piece of what composes you, what makes your writing so interesting, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who would find them interesting here. Don’t endanger your anonymity because that is what allows you to be completely and compellingly honest in this space, but you spend most of your life engaged in other things so there have to be interesting moments there. Love to hear about them. On that note, I think protect is the perfect word. Everyone needs a place in their lives where they can be who they want to be, without worry about judgment or repercussion. It doesn’t make the rest of their lives less authentic, no one can be their complete self in all times and spaces, but rather gives them an outlet for the things that their other roles in life don’t allow. Plus it would mean I get to read you more often, and that’s a good thing. Post more. Please.
- Questions I have for you. How is it that you manage to get the time away from school to do these road trips? That’s a secret I’d like to have for my own life. How old are you? What are you studying?
I was in Denver this week for an interview, went to a strip club for the first time in a long while. Met the most intelligent and engaging person I’ve met in a long time (kind of surprising for my line of work, right?) who also happened to be the best lap dance I’ve ever gotten. I think she spoiled me on going to another club for awhile because she was so good to me. I’m not in the habit of letting interesting people leave my life without a bit of a fight so I took a bit of courage from things you’ve written and asked for an email address. Got it. Don’t know if it’s even real, but its never a bad idea to put yourself out on a limb, right? Aside: I could only afford one dance that night, and knew it had to be her when I saw her, and sort of stole her away from another patron. I slid in between the two of them to ask. Her response: “Thank you, that guy makes my vagina want to fold in on itself. Creeper”. Thought you’d appreciate that comment. Familiar.
January 20, 2010 at 12:55 pm |
i love this comment. thanks for the commentary, the questions, and for telling your own strip club story. wish i could meet that stripper, myself, actually, because she sounds real cool.
admittedly, i’ve also had a drop in “entertaining sass” since i’m studenting rather than stripping these days.
which gets me to the first of your questions. i stripper myself away when i have a break. you have vacay times right? well that’s when i run away.
January 20, 2010 at 2:29 pm |
also, keep us updated on the results of her email acquirement.
January 19, 2010 at 10:44 am |
Very few lovers make it more than a few rounds with me, but I have one that’s lasted a few years. sigh. Winter is hard on the libido. It was for me this year. December I had strep throat and stayed in bed!